Raising an Independent Child

One of the things that I knew, from the minute I found out I was pregnant with my first child, was that I wanted to raise children who would be independent.  I wanted my child to be self sufficient and a problem solver.  I didn't want my child leaning on me for everything - I want to raise my kids knowing that they are powerful enough to solve their own problems, and that I'd be there to back them up if they need extra help.

But that's easier said than done.  As a parent, it's hard to watch your child struggle through an issue - You want to step in and solve it for them.  Our children are the joy of our lives and it KILLS us to think that our children will need to face challenges alone.

When our children are younger, we have an opportunity to build internal strength in them.  In approaching the small challenges in the pre-school and kindergarten years with an empowering outlook, we can help our children learn a nature self sufficiency that they will carry with them as they grow... Here's what I mean:

What do you think?

Don't offer up solutions and advice to your child's problems at the beginning of any struggle.  Ask them what THEY think they should do.  Get their thoughts and ideas - help them brainstorm their own solutions.  Once they've decided on a course of action, help them to either follow through or adjust their plan if you think they need more support.  

Tell them you understand

We've all been there.  We've been in a class without friends and been scared that no one will ever like us.  We've been made fun of or bullied.  Children may encounter their first episodes of social rejection at a very young age.  Let them know that you've been there.  Let them know that it gets better.  Support them and step in if the situation is severe enough - But most of all, empower them.

  

Get outside & make friends

It's really easy nowadays to have kids indoors on the computer or playing video games more often than not - The culture of the "two income household" is upon us and we parents are often so exhausted by the end of the week that we can forget how important it is to get our kids outside.  Meeting other children and playing at the local park helps to build a child's social skills, which can help them become more independent.  Be sure that you encourage building friendships so that your children have consistent interaction with other kids their age.

Let them do it alone

If you aide/assist/help your child do every little thing, they'll never feel empowered to accomplish anything alone.  Teach your child to tie their shoes and then leave them to it.  You don't need to help your child dress once they've figured out the mechanics themselves.  Establish boundaries on both sides - let your child know that they have things that they can accomplish alone, and that some things aren't safe yet (for example, reaching a top shelf in the kitchen for a glass), so they should ask you for help in those areas.

Expand their minds

Reading.  I can't say it enough.  Make sure that you are empowering your child's fascination with the world around them.  Books are a window into the larger world and can help your child develop critical thinking skills which will help them in their problem solving.  I've done an entire post on the importance of reading, which you can read here.

Talk to them

One of the things that I wish my parents had done more with me as a child was just talking to me.  It's hard to feel supported and empowered when you feel like your parents don't know or understand you.  Ask your child how their day went.  Ask your child what they want to do this weekend.  Ask you child what makes them feel happy.  Get to know your child.

Why Gender Stereotypes Have No Place in Parenting

Today's post is on a topic that we might not agree on - but that's okay, right?  Today we're talking about "normal" and why I feel that the concept of "normal" simply doesn't exist.

My six year-old son's favorite color is purple.  I've had several people tell me that I should correct this "problem" ... Why?  Purple is a perfectly fine color - I personally have always floated more to the cooler end of the color spectrum myself, so I can also appreciate that purple is a lovely color - though my personal favorite is dark green... Wait, is that a "problem" too?

You see, purple is a GIRL color and green is a BOY color - so clearly my son and I are completely mixed up and are in need of swapping our favorite colors in order to fit into the "normal" and "good" classifications of color preferences... right?

Perhaps the above example seems silly, but it's something that I've fought against since the minute my son was born.  You see, I don't buy into gender stereotyping.  I think it's an antiquated idea that has no room in modern society.

I have this opinion because I was a tomboy - I loved climbing trees, playing soccer, and wearing jeans.  As a little girl, I hated dresses, couldn't stand the color pink, and never liked when boys got picked before me when playing sports because I was an athlete - not a "girl."

In raising my son, my husband and I made a conscious effort to allow him to like what he liked and not force our opinions on him.  The result?  A little boy that loves zombies, swimming, rough-housing, and video games... AND My Little Ponies, the color purple, and pink bubble bath.

What's the harm in a boy liking pink toys or watching Pixie Hollow movies?  It's probably the worry that the little boy will grow up to be gay, right?  What's the harm in a little girl that prefers legos and monster movies over Barbie and unicorns?  It's probably the worry that the little girl will grow up to be gay, right?

Firstly, that's a ridiculous idea - just because a boy likes pink does not mean he's gay.  Second, if he ended up gay, who cares?  As parents, we need to embrace our children's personal identity.  It's become such a controversial idea to simply LOVE our kids for who they are, if who they are doesn't fit into a "cookie cutter" definition of what society views as "normal."

As parents, can we just agree that there is NO such thing as normal?  Can we also agree that our children are not ourselves and they might grow into adults that choose to live a lifestyle that's a little different from ours, and that's still okay?  We moms and dads can only do our best - encourage your child to love others and be a productive member of society - whether they decide to do it wearing a pink or green shirt really doesn't matter.

Why I Didn't Raise A Whiner

Perhaps this will be a controversial post... maybe it won't be.  But as a parent, I think that the behaviors we instill in our kids are some of the most important elements of being a "parent" ... So here we go!

You've all seen those kids... the ones in grocery stores and at parks - the ones that seem to rule their parents through temper tantrums, cry at the drop of a hat, and get whatever they want?  Yeah - those kids.  The whiners.  I can't stand whiners.

First and foremost, I accept that some children have a larger problem at play than just being whiners.  This post isn't directed at those children.  Severe behavior issues as a result of developmental problems, victims of abuse, autistic children, etc - they aren't what this is about.  In fact, I salute the parents of special needs children and am in awe of you.

This post is, really, not even directed at kids.  This is a post ALL about the parents.  I am a firm believer that "whiny" kids are the result of the environment they've been raised in.  I see it everyday with children of friends, kids at my son's school, even my own nieces and nephews.

These children essentially do whatever they want and the entire WORLD hears it when they don't get their way.  They are the kids that cry when they get apple juice instead of orange juice.  The ones that freak out at the store if they can't open their new toy right away.  They are the kids FLIP OUT at the playground when another kid is on their favorite swing... Honestly, in the immortal words of Sweet Brown:

That being said, I get it.  We all raise our kids differently and every child is unique... However, what I do NOT feel is unique are the basic ideas of respect, listening, and following direction.  Given my lack of patience for "whiners," I thought a lot (during pregnancy) about what I could do to make sure that my child didn't become one.  It was, in fact, my nieces and nephews that aided me in creating my "Anti-Whiner Parenting Plan."

My nieces and nephews are beautiful and amazing children... however, they are also spoiled brats.  Sorry if that term bothers you, but this post isn't for those who think life is all sunshine and roses.  My nieces and nephews have been allowed to do whatever they want since the minute they were born.  They talk back and have nasty attitudes, they freak out when discipline is attempted, and they have issues with any authority figure in their life - including their parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and teachers.

I think the key to what I would have done differently with them, and what I DID do differently with my son, was set around three basic ideas:

1. Setting Firm Boundaries
2. Being a Predictable Parent
3. Not Overreacting

Set Firm Boundaries

This has been the key to my parenting philosophy.   My son knows what he is and is not allowed to do.  My husband and I aren't "wishy-washy" about it.  We haven't given him any unreasonable or overly restrictive rules, but the rules that are in place are non-negotiable... and the key here is that he KNOWS they aren't negotiable.

If he decides to break a rule, he knows going into it that there will be consequences.  This helps to limit any overly emotional reactions to punishment - when he has his half hour of iPad time taken away because he refused to eat his vegetables at dinner, it's not a surprise.  He certainly isn't happy about it, but we don't experience melt-downs of cosmic proportions.

Be Predictable

Tying in with the last concept, predictability has been extremely important in my parenting style.  Allowing my son to see that I have a stable and consistent reaction to his bad behavior helps him, in my opinion, with his decision making.  He KNOWS.  This means that when I give him a punishment - like having to sit in his room for ten minutes after he refused to listen about cleaning up his toys - he KNOWS the drill.

I simply refuse to let him get away with bad behavior, or "play it easy" on him every now and again.  The simple fact is that by being consistent, he doesn't usually act out in ways that require punishment.  He's a REALLY good kid.  Predictability allows us both to go through our days with the knowledge that if a line is crossed, he will need to "face the music," and we both know what will happen.

Don't Overreact

I cannot tell you how important I feel it is to limit our reactions as parents.  It's SO easy to just SCREAM sometimes - I know I've wanted to (badly) in the past.  But when I see those whiny kids at the store and that parent in their face yelling at them to shut up?  Pinching them to get them to stop?  No.  That's not cool.  I don't think that yelling or hitting a child will help ANYTHING.  In fact, I'm a firm believer that it will only make things worse.

We need to have a firm set of rules for our kids and they need to know to follow them - but the reality is that they're kids and they WILL go against the rules at times.  It's normal.  So when it does happen, we need to have a rational and calm reaction that allows us to discipline our children, while also maintaining their trust and respect in us.  Don't overreact and go off like a bomb - walk them through what's happening, why they are in trouble, and be clear about the consequences.

Judge Not

At the end of day, as I said before, all of us are different.  Our kids are different and their reactions in certain situations can be unpredictable no matter patient or consistent we are.  What's important is instilling the values of respect and "right vs. wrong" in them from a young age.  We'll all go about that in various ways, some that might work for a lot of people, others that won't.  It's all about the effort at working toward patient parenting that I feel is the most important...  Because, let's be honest - No one likes a whiner.

Having A Daughter... It's Complicated

I never could have imagined having my own daughter until I found out I was pregnant with her.  I can't tell you how many times I told people that I "was never meant to have a daughter."  But why is that?  Why would my mind have put a mental block around the idea of raising a daughter?

I suppose the easiest thing to factor is my relationship with my own mother.  I love her dearly and she's incredibly important in my life.  She's one of my biggest influences.  With that said, I'm solidly in the "Daddy's Girl" category - my dad and I talk almost everyday, despite the fact that I'm in California and they're in Florida.  We can talk for hours, and we talk about anything - politics, groceries, television shows... we don't even agree on that stuff, but we have a natural "rhythm" with each other that makes our communication flow without any effort.

With mom, it's different.  It always has been.

She and I can talk for a few minutes at time, but then the phone swiftly gets handed back to dad.  We make sure that the other is doing okay, that we're happy... and that's about it.  Mom and I just never really developed that rapport that I hear my friends talk about with their moms.

So what happened?

There's a book called The 5 Love Languages that I absolutely adore.  This book opened my eyes to root of what might have limited the development of a close relationship with my mom (and no, this isn't a sponsored post!).  If you aren't familiar with it, the basic idea of this book is that people give and receive love in five very basic ways - Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, and Quality Time.

I fall into the "Acts of Service" and "Gifts" categories... Oddly enough, so does my father.  This means that my dad and I value doing things for, and giving things to, other people.  It's also the way that we most readily accept affection from others.  My mother? She could care less about about presents or me cleaning the kitchen for her when I visit.

Mom is definitely a "Quality Time" and "Physical Touch" kind of lady.  My mother wants her daughters, even now that we're well into adulthood, to sit on her lap, give her kisses on the cheek, and walk with her while she holds our hands... To me, that stuff is annoying.  I don't like hugs - I'm not a touchy person.  I also don't like having my hand held by anyone other than my husband and my kid.  Sorry, mom.

Building a Mother/Daughter Relationship

Now that I'm a mother, it really bothers me that I don't have a well developed relationship with my own mom... I suppose my dad stepped in and filled both roles for me a lot of the time.  As I think about that, and what that means, it makes me sad.

It also means that I want to start strong in my relationship with my own daughter.  Yes, I know that she might end up closer to my husband - I'm okay with that - But I also want her to feel like she can talk with me about her problems, come to me with her successes and worries... I want with her what I have with my dad.

But how can I do that?  What can I do that won't force closeness - just encourage it?  I think it boils down to a few very simple things.

 

Learn how she gives and receives love/affection

While my mother is an amazing mom, we just never developed a meaningful way to communicate.   As my daughter grows into her own person, I need to accept that she, as with me and my mom, likely won't be a carbon-copy of me.  I need to learn how SHE receives and gives affection so that I can provide for her the type of meaningful support she'll need as she navigates through life.

Respect our differences and embrace them

Another place where I think my mother and I went wrong is that we never learned to appreciate the differences between us.  We've accepted that we're very different people and simply avoid the issues that separate us.  With my daughter, I want to embrace our differences and celebrate them.  I probably could learn a great deal from my mother and her approach at life... and I luckily still have the time to bridge that gap.  With my daughter, I don't want to play "catch up" when she's older - I want to learn from her when she's two, ten, twenty, even forty years-old.