Open Letter to my Mom

I know that I tried your patience growing up.  You had three daughters, and as your middle child, I didn't always make your life easy.  In honor of Mother's Day, 30 years after my birth, I wanted to apologize for a few things.  I'm a mother now, and it's time to admit that I wasn't the perfect child.

I'm sorry for telling you that I hated you when you wouldn't let me get gummy bears that one time when I was six.  I've never said "I hate you" before or since, but I remember how you cried in the car afterward.  I still feel guilty about it.  I hope you know that it wasn't true - I just temporarily allowed my addiction to gummy bears to take over.  I promise it will never happen again.

I'm sorry for ditching school and then lying about it.  I thought I could get away with it - and, you know, teenager.  Oops.  I know I was frustrating and wasted my potential.  As a mom, I know I'd FLIP if I found out either or my kids skipped class... but you were patient and graceful about it, giving me support and taking the time to ask me WHY I did it - not just yelling at me about it.

My "give and take" was more of a "take and take" as a kid.  I demanded a lot, even at times when I knew you and dad couldn't afford it.  I'm sorry if I made you feel like you didn't do a good job providing for us - you were and are an amazing mom... and you gave me SO much.

I'm sorry for making fun of your "on the farm" stories.  Yes, you were raised on a chicken farm... and that still sounds kind of funny and I giggle about it - but your childhood wasn't an easy one.  You learned about hard work and sacrifice from a very young age.  You should never have been the butt of any jokes because of it.

I'm sorry for dropping out of college.  You worked so hard to get through school as a working parent and you tried to teach us by example - but I didn't learn.  Now that I've earned a degree, and did it as a working parent, I can only imagine how disappointing it was to see me drop out of school after only a single semester.

I'm sorry for not listening to you.  You give great advice... and I've ignored the majority of it.  You are amazingly intelligent and I'm sure I made you think you were stupid on many occasions with my "I know better" attitude.  You have led such an amazing life and you deserve all the praise in the world.

I'm sorry for making you feel like I love dad more.  Yes, I'm a daddy's girl - and I've always admitted that.  When my first child was born, he was there - and you weren't.  I know why... you thought dad's presence would mean more to me than yours... and that's really sad.  I love you just as much as I love dad - it's just a different love.  The love between a mother and daughter is special - so please don't think that you aren't just as special and precious to me as dad is.

But most of all, I'm sorry for not appreciating you like I should have.  You're a truly wonderful mom - many people don't get to have a mom at all, let alone one as amazing as you.  I'm sorry for not seeing how giving and loving you were and are - you deserved a lot more "thank you's" and "I love you's" than I gave.  Know that you deserved them all, and I'll spend the next several decades attempting to make them up to you.

 

Why I Didn't Raise A Whiner

Perhaps this will be a controversial post... maybe it won't be.  But as a parent, I think that the behaviors we instill in our kids are some of the most important elements of being a "parent" ... So here we go!

You've all seen those kids... the ones in grocery stores and at parks - the ones that seem to rule their parents through temper tantrums, cry at the drop of a hat, and get whatever they want?  Yeah - those kids.  The whiners.  I can't stand whiners.

First and foremost, I accept that some children have a larger problem at play than just being whiners.  This post isn't directed at those children.  Severe behavior issues as a result of developmental problems, victims of abuse, autistic children, etc - they aren't what this is about.  In fact, I salute the parents of special needs children and am in awe of you.

This post is, really, not even directed at kids.  This is a post ALL about the parents.  I am a firm believer that "whiny" kids are the result of the environment they've been raised in.  I see it everyday with children of friends, kids at my son's school, even my own nieces and nephews.

These children essentially do whatever they want and the entire WORLD hears it when they don't get their way.  They are the kids that cry when they get apple juice instead of orange juice.  The ones that freak out at the store if they can't open their new toy right away.  They are the kids FLIP OUT at the playground when another kid is on their favorite swing... Honestly, in the immortal words of Sweet Brown:

That being said, I get it.  We all raise our kids differently and every child is unique... However, what I do NOT feel is unique are the basic ideas of respect, listening, and following direction.  Given my lack of patience for "whiners," I thought a lot (during pregnancy) about what I could do to make sure that my child didn't become one.  It was, in fact, my nieces and nephews that aided me in creating my "Anti-Whiner Parenting Plan."

My nieces and nephews are beautiful and amazing children... however, they are also spoiled brats.  Sorry if that term bothers you, but this post isn't for those who think life is all sunshine and roses.  My nieces and nephews have been allowed to do whatever they want since the minute they were born.  They talk back and have nasty attitudes, they freak out when discipline is attempted, and they have issues with any authority figure in their life - including their parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and teachers.

I think the key to what I would have done differently with them, and what I DID do differently with my son, was set around three basic ideas:

1. Setting Firm Boundaries
2. Being a Predictable Parent
3. Not Overreacting

Set Firm Boundaries

This has been the key to my parenting philosophy.   My son knows what he is and is not allowed to do.  My husband and I aren't "wishy-washy" about it.  We haven't given him any unreasonable or overly restrictive rules, but the rules that are in place are non-negotiable... and the key here is that he KNOWS they aren't negotiable.

If he decides to break a rule, he knows going into it that there will be consequences.  This helps to limit any overly emotional reactions to punishment - when he has his half hour of iPad time taken away because he refused to eat his vegetables at dinner, it's not a surprise.  He certainly isn't happy about it, but we don't experience melt-downs of cosmic proportions.

Be Predictable

Tying in with the last concept, predictability has been extremely important in my parenting style.  Allowing my son to see that I have a stable and consistent reaction to his bad behavior helps him, in my opinion, with his decision making.  He KNOWS.  This means that when I give him a punishment - like having to sit in his room for ten minutes after he refused to listen about cleaning up his toys - he KNOWS the drill.

I simply refuse to let him get away with bad behavior, or "play it easy" on him every now and again.  The simple fact is that by being consistent, he doesn't usually act out in ways that require punishment.  He's a REALLY good kid.  Predictability allows us both to go through our days with the knowledge that if a line is crossed, he will need to "face the music," and we both know what will happen.

Don't Overreact

I cannot tell you how important I feel it is to limit our reactions as parents.  It's SO easy to just SCREAM sometimes - I know I've wanted to (badly) in the past.  But when I see those whiny kids at the store and that parent in their face yelling at them to shut up?  Pinching them to get them to stop?  No.  That's not cool.  I don't think that yelling or hitting a child will help ANYTHING.  In fact, I'm a firm believer that it will only make things worse.

We need to have a firm set of rules for our kids and they need to know to follow them - but the reality is that they're kids and they WILL go against the rules at times.  It's normal.  So when it does happen, we need to have a rational and calm reaction that allows us to discipline our children, while also maintaining their trust and respect in us.  Don't overreact and go off like a bomb - walk them through what's happening, why they are in trouble, and be clear about the consequences.

Judge Not

At the end of day, as I said before, all of us are different.  Our kids are different and their reactions in certain situations can be unpredictable no matter patient or consistent we are.  What's important is instilling the values of respect and "right vs. wrong" in them from a young age.  We'll all go about that in various ways, some that might work for a lot of people, others that won't.  It's all about the effort at working toward patient parenting that I feel is the most important...  Because, let's be honest - No one likes a whiner.

Having A Daughter... It's Complicated

I never could have imagined having my own daughter until I found out I was pregnant with her.  I can't tell you how many times I told people that I "was never meant to have a daughter."  But why is that?  Why would my mind have put a mental block around the idea of raising a daughter?

I suppose the easiest thing to factor is my relationship with my own mother.  I love her dearly and she's incredibly important in my life.  She's one of my biggest influences.  With that said, I'm solidly in the "Daddy's Girl" category - my dad and I talk almost everyday, despite the fact that I'm in California and they're in Florida.  We can talk for hours, and we talk about anything - politics, groceries, television shows... we don't even agree on that stuff, but we have a natural "rhythm" with each other that makes our communication flow without any effort.

With mom, it's different.  It always has been.

She and I can talk for a few minutes at time, but then the phone swiftly gets handed back to dad.  We make sure that the other is doing okay, that we're happy... and that's about it.  Mom and I just never really developed that rapport that I hear my friends talk about with their moms.

So what happened?

There's a book called The 5 Love Languages that I absolutely adore.  This book opened my eyes to root of what might have limited the development of a close relationship with my mom (and no, this isn't a sponsored post!).  If you aren't familiar with it, the basic idea of this book is that people give and receive love in five very basic ways - Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, and Quality Time.

I fall into the "Acts of Service" and "Gifts" categories... Oddly enough, so does my father.  This means that my dad and I value doing things for, and giving things to, other people.  It's also the way that we most readily accept affection from others.  My mother? She could care less about about presents or me cleaning the kitchen for her when I visit.

Mom is definitely a "Quality Time" and "Physical Touch" kind of lady.  My mother wants her daughters, even now that we're well into adulthood, to sit on her lap, give her kisses on the cheek, and walk with her while she holds our hands... To me, that stuff is annoying.  I don't like hugs - I'm not a touchy person.  I also don't like having my hand held by anyone other than my husband and my kid.  Sorry, mom.

Building a Mother/Daughter Relationship

Now that I'm a mother, it really bothers me that I don't have a well developed relationship with my own mom... I suppose my dad stepped in and filled both roles for me a lot of the time.  As I think about that, and what that means, it makes me sad.

It also means that I want to start strong in my relationship with my own daughter.  Yes, I know that she might end up closer to my husband - I'm okay with that - But I also want her to feel like she can talk with me about her problems, come to me with her successes and worries... I want with her what I have with my dad.

But how can I do that?  What can I do that won't force closeness - just encourage it?  I think it boils down to a few very simple things.

 

Learn how she gives and receives love/affection

While my mother is an amazing mom, we just never developed a meaningful way to communicate.   As my daughter grows into her own person, I need to accept that she, as with me and my mom, likely won't be a carbon-copy of me.  I need to learn how SHE receives and gives affection so that I can provide for her the type of meaningful support she'll need as she navigates through life.

Respect our differences and embrace them

Another place where I think my mother and I went wrong is that we never learned to appreciate the differences between us.  We've accepted that we're very different people and simply avoid the issues that separate us.  With my daughter, I want to embrace our differences and celebrate them.  I probably could learn a great deal from my mother and her approach at life... and I luckily still have the time to bridge that gap.  With my daughter, I don't want to play "catch up" when she's older - I want to learn from her when she's two, ten, twenty, even forty years-old.

Moms Are Allowed to Chase Dreams

Back in December of 2010, I took a huge leap.  I was the mother of a two year-old little boy, in a loving marriage, and I had been working for close to a year with a company that I thought I could make a career with... I was also at a crossroads.

Something was missing.  I didn't know what it was, but I wasn't fulfilled - there was something lacking.  That year we traveled to Arizona for a Christmas celebration with my husband's family, and I somehow ended up in a long conversation with my sister-in-law about her struggles in getting her masters degree.

My sister-in-law is a remarkable woman - She's raising her daughter alone in Phoenix with no local family support.  While holding down a job, she also managed to attend Arizona State University and got her masters degree in Healthcare Administration.  As we talked, I started to feel this strange pull towards the idea of getting an education.  I had dropped out of college years before and never looked back... but suddenly I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I did a lot of research over the next few weeks, figured out the finances, and made the decision to go back to school.  I enrolled in a bachelor's of accounting program that started on January 2, 2011.  For the next three and a half years I worked full time, raised my son, was a wife for my husband, AND was a full time student.

I lost a lot of sleep in those years.  I missed out on a lot of time with my son and my husband.  I pulled all-nighters and worked a full day immediately after, only to come home and study some more.  It wasn't easy.

I'll admit it - I cried sometimes while I was studying, locked away in my bedroom, because I could hear my son and husband laughing and playing down the hall.  I cried because I couldn't join them.  I cried because, while I knew I was making a good decision for our family's future, I was missing out on the people that mattered most.

But, at the end of the day, I had to believe that it was okay for a mother to have a dream too.  Not just young people with no attachments... I had to believe that me, a mom in a lower-middle class family, could dream big and actually LIVE that dream.

On August 18, 2014, I graduated Cum Laude with a Bachelor's of Science in Accounting.  I have an amazing job now.  We live in a better area with top-ranked schools, my job allows my husband to stay at home with our son, and I'm FULFILLED.

I don't feel like something's missing anymore.  I don't feel like I've missed the boat on my own ambitions.  I know now that it's okay for a mom get out and chase a dream - it's okay for us to still have goals for ourselves.  If anything, I feel that I've set a better example for my son than I ever could have living the life I was before - A life where I questioned where I was going, what I was doing, and if I'd missed out.

It doesn't matter what your dream is - whether it's getting healthy, learning to sew, going back to school, re-entering the workforce, or becoming a Stay-At-Home-Mom - figure out what you need to do and chase that dream.  It's okay for us mothers to go for it - it's not sacrificing our kids.  It's setting a better example for our kids.

Conflicting Feelings, My Pregnancy With Baby #2

As a mother who'd secretly been hoping for a second child since about... three seconds following the birth of my first, I was a bit shocked at my reactions throughout my pregnancy with Baby #2.

I have been constantly conflicted.

You see, my son is six - he's in kindergarten and finally starting to spread his wings and become a more independent little creature.  It's a joy to watch him make new friends, learn new things, and start to truly appreciate the world around him.

For the past several months, though, my pregnancy has forced me to take a step back from my son's adventures due to various complications that kept me a home in bed, while my husband went to school functions, birthday parties, etc.

I've found myself frustrated - even angry - that I was MISSING OUT on my son in order to bring this new baby into the world.  Those feelings, not at all aimed at my unborn daughter - more of a reaction to my own limitations - shocked me.  I never would have thought that I'd be one of those "miserable pregnant ladies" ... But I think I am sometimes.  So what can I do to stop this cycle of frustration and anger in order to enjoy both my son and my pregnancy?

Accept Your Limitations

I think that we moms do occasionally hold ourselves to the "Super Mom" standard - we think that we should be able to anything and everything... and then we get upset when we can't.  It's important that we accept the fact that, while we're pretty amazing, we are NOT Super Woman.  During pregnancy, our bodies are going through so much - It's okay to be tired.  It's okay to stay in bed an extra hour and let your husband cook breakfast.  It's okay to miss the daily school drop-off because you've got severe morning sickness.

IT'S OKAY.  We can't be everywhere, we can't do everything.  Accepting that you can't do it all is the first step in limiting your frustrations when you're aren't there for EVERYTHING.  My son loves running into the room to show off a project and to let me know his spelling test scores.  He knows that his little sister is in my belly that it makes me tired sometimes... and you know what?  He understands.  He's only six and he manages to cut me more slack than I do.

Enjoy the Little Things

Recently my son participated in a Spell-A-Thon at school and parents were invited to sit in to watch as the kids all took a spelling-bee style test.  I'd worked with Baby #1 on his words at home and while he wasn't 100% perfect with everything, I knew he'd do extremely well.  That practice at home was so much fun - he started quizzing me too and it ended in fits of giggles as I tried to spell "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" (I couldn't, by the way).

The day of the Spell-A-Thon arrived and I couldn't make it - between feeling incredibly rundown (did I mention I'm 9 months pregnant?), having extremely swollen feet that made walking a problem, AND work, I had to miss it.  My husband attended in my place... and I was miserable.  I wanted to be there SO badly.  So, instead of enjoying the memory of those giggles from preparing for the Spell-A-Thon, I could only focus on the fact that I wasn't there for the main event.

...and that's not fair to me or to my son.  We had an absolute BLAST studying his spelling words and he shared the entire story about the Spell-A-Thon with me that night at home.  These moments doing homework - while they may not stick out as "monumental" in the grand scheme of things - are still important and I should still be able to enjoy them, not focus on all of the other things that I couldn't participate in.

Super Mom Image (c) Rogue Attire

When Life Throws You Lemons...

You can finish that phrase, right?  We're all supposed to make lemonade... right?  Well, sometimes us moms are thrown an excessive amount of lemons and the amount of lemonade needed under those circumstances would quench the thirst of a small island nation...  Staying positive and learning to "roll with the punches" as a parent takes a lot of trial and error, patience, and the occasional glass of wine (if you're into that sort of thing).

So what can we do?  Regardless of the situation, how can we moms turn lemons into lemonade, gain the respect of our children, and go to bed knowing that we're doing a kickass job as a parent?

Avoid The Rage

Growing up, both of my parents were "yellers."  We knew when we'd done something wrong because they made sure that we HEARD their anger.  I love my parents a great deal, but a lot of my built-in behaviors from childhood stem from a certain amount of fear - Fear of their anger, fear of them screaming at me, fear of getting into trouble.  In fact, I still eat all of the food off of my plate at EVERY meal because of the built-in fear I have at leaving the table before I've cleaned my plate - it's a habit I just can't kick, even if it gives me a stomach ache.  It was one of my mother's biggest pet-peeves.

Now that I have a child of my own and another on the way, it's important to me that I avoid the "rage" that I remember from the house I grew up in.  When my son does something that frustrates me, I take a step back and reign in any anger before I address the issue.  I usually ask him to go to his room while I process my thoughts, and then go in to talk with him once I'm calm and collected.  Yes, occasionally I slip up and I might raise my voice a little - I'm not perfect and will never claim to be.

We are firm with our son and he knows that he has limits - but I make a conscious effort to establish those limits in a way that makes him look to me as someone he trusts and respects, not someone who should be feared.

Don't Expect Perfection

I think that most moms view their children as "perfect" when they're born - these adorable little creatures that are the physical representation of our love... But they aren't perfect.  They never will be.  It's unfair to hold our children to a standard of perfection that they will never come close to reaching.

Think back to your own childhood and all of the things that you did, knowing they were wrong or that you shouldn't be doing, yet you did them anyway... Yeah - you were a bad kid sometimes, huh?  It's only normal to expect that our kids will have those same impulses and will occasionally get into trouble for one thing or another.

It's our job as parents to guide our children and raise them with morals and values that will help them in their decision-making as they get older.  Teach your kids the difference between "fun" and "stupid" - let them know that their actions will have consequences.  Talk to them when they get into trouble and try to figure out what motivated them to do whatever it was they did so that it can be avoided in the future.

...and it must be said - don't hold yourself to perfection either.  We'll make mistakes as parents.  It's going to happen, whether you're a first-time mom or the mother of ten kids.  Don't beat yourself up if your make a mistake - just take it day by day and learn, along with your child, on how to set your boundaries and love each other to the fullest.

Be Consistent

When you're angry with your child over something they did or said, it's important that we moms are consistent in our discipline.  If we're wishy-washy and never follow through with consequences, our kids will never grow to respect our guidance and follow the rules of our homes. 

It's also really hard on you as parent to flip-flop the rules and constantly make exceptions - you'll grow just as confused as your kids are.  By creating a solid and firm set of guidelines for our kids to follow and raising our children to know what to expect from us, we're going to save ourselves A LOT of headaches.

Consistency also needs to exist between mom and dad - having a different set of rules depending on which parent is home is NOT healthy.  I know this because that's how it was in my house.  This gave my sisters and I the chance to "get away" with things and avoid the consequences - we worked the system and took advantage of it whenever we could.  Communication between parents is key here - don't let the problem spiral out of control.

Back into the game - Returning to work after baby

Yesterday I attended a local networking event for small businesses and met an interesting woman who had labeled herself a "Working Mom Support Coach."  Essentially, she provides guidance for women who can't handle the readjustment back into the workforce following the birth of their children.   She had zeroed in on me as the "token pregnant lady" at the event and spoke to me about how women needed extra support in learning how to achieve a new life balance.

As a working mom, I thought this was an interesting concept - How hard is the readjustment when we go back to work?  I don't think that I really focused on the "difficulty" last time - going back to work was just my reality.  However, when you consider the hormonal changes in our postpartum bodies, the guilt of leaving our child with a daycare provider or family member, trying to find a place to pump at the office, etc... It can be a really tough time for us.

So how can we "get back into the game?"

I'm extremely proud of my career - while I'd love to be a Stay-At-Home-Mom, it's not in the cards for my family, and my reality is that I'm going back to work following the birth of my daughter... and yes, it'll be hard on me physically and emotionally - So how can I prepare and make this transition easier?

Stay Focused: It's easy to get overwhelmed by the idea of leaving a small baby at home and heading to the office for eight hours while someone else takes care of your child - parental guilt is common, especially when you're first making the transition following your maternity leave.  What I've found works to help you find your "new balance" is to stay focused on what you're doing - don't focus on what you're NOT doing.

I don't know any working moms that wouldn't rather spend more time with their children - but if you focus solely on what you're missing out on at home, you'll never be able to readjust to work-life.  When you're at work, be AT WORK.  When you're at home, be AT HOME.  Be as amazing at your job as you were before, stay in touch with your child's care provider during breaks and lunch, and leave the deadlines and budgets and benchmarks at the office when you leave for the day.  Don't try to carry the load of mom and employee 24/7.

Take Care of You: Often times, whether you're a working mom or a stay-at-home-mom, we mothers tend to focus on everyone else but ourselves.  The last person to get the care and attention they deserve is US.  Maybe it's just our maternal nature... Or, for working moms, that desire to "make up" for what we miss while we're at work.  Frankly, that's not fair.

Postpartum, our bodies are a roller coaster.   Hormones are going nuts, many of us have extra weight that makes us feel unattractive, and we're healing from a pretty major physical stress - giving birth to a child is no joke!  For weeks, sometimes months, our bodies just don't feel "like us" and it's not right to forget that we have our own needs.  So what do you do?

Take a bubble bath.  Eat healthy.  Get your partner's help with the baby night so that you can get some sleep.  Get your hair done.  Paint your nails.  DON'T FORGET THAT YOU'RE IMPORTANT TOO.

Don't Compare: One of my biggest pet-peeves is when mothers, or just women in general, compare themselves to each other.  As the mother of a kindergartener, I'm constantly feeling the pull of comparing myself to the moms that can drop their kids off and pick their kids up from school everyday - I only get to do that once a week because of my schedule, and I've created this false idea that those moms must think I'm a horrible parent because they see my husband more than they see me.

The reality is that putting the stress of comparison on ourselves only makes us unhappy.  Yes, there are times when I wish I'd pushed harder to be the stay-at-home parent in my marriage, but the honest truth is that I'm the working-parent for a reason.  I value my time at the office and I want to be out there growing as a professional - and there's nothing wrong with that.  I LOVE my job.  My husband is such an amazing man for letting me chase my dreams and I'm incredibly luckily that he was willing to leave his career to raise our kids.

Bottom Line?

Working parents are common, so don't hate yourself for leaving your baby to get back to work.  It's important that we set a good example of our kids, whether we stay at home with them or if we go back to the office.  If you spend your life focused on guilt and everything that you aren't doing, it'll be hard to set that great example because you'll be miserable.  No, you might not get a "home cooked" dinner on the table every night and yes, you'll miss the occasional milestone - and it will suck.  But if we lived our lives based on what we didn't do, we'd never accomplish anything.  Just love yourself and love your kids.  It's the best any of us can do.