The Thankless Job

I met a wonderful nurse during my time working for a hospice several years ago - She was battling Stage 2 Breast Cancer but still managed to come into work everyday and help those suffering from terminal illnesses - an inspiring woman!

She and I would talk about our families - like any coworkers do - and we realized that, despite a 20+ year age gap and extremely different backgrounds, we did have one very key thing in common.  We married men who already had children.

Yes, I'm a stepmother.  I don't like to discuss my stepkids on this blog, both out of respect for them and because my years as a step-parent have been a huge series of ups and downs.  As my wonderful coworker said very simply, being a step-parent is, at times, a thankless job.

If you don't already have kids, stepping into a relationship with a man who does can be extremely scary.  I didn't really know what I was getting myself into and those first years were a revolving door of me doing everything I possibly could to get my stepkids to "like" me.  It didn't work.

My relationship with my stepson has always been hard - he's extremely close to his mother and I was a very much "unwanted" addition to the family.  Even after almost 10 years, I don't think he's overly excited to see me when he comes over.   My stepdaughter and I are much closer, but as she's growing into a young lady, she's building that special bond with her mother that has added a strange dynamic to how she responds to time with me.  Don't get me wrong - my stepkids are GOOD kids and I care about them a great deal.  It's not all bad, it's not all stress.  But it's definitely difficult.

As my stepkids enter their teenage years, I've taken a different approach of simply being there when they need me, not forcing on them anything that they either don't want or aren't happy with.  This has helped our relationships tremendously, but it's still, at times, an awkward thing.  Especially when it comes time to clean up the house or eat vegetables.

You see, my parents are still married - I never had a stepmom.  I don't know what it's like to be in the home of your dad while he's married and raising children with another woman.  I don't know what it's like to be told that dad is having another baby - but not with mom, with someone else.  I don't know what it's like to be shuffled from house to house, never really being able to settle in anywhere because I pretty much live to two different places.

I've spoken to MANY women in my same situation over the years and I've come to the conclusion that's there is really NO easy way to handle being the "stepmom."  At times, things are going to be great.  Other times?  Not so much.   So what can we do keep our sanity and make our stepchildren more comfortable?

Don't Expect Miracles

If you have the expectation that you're going to immediately develop the world's strongest bond with your stepkids, you're going to be disappointed.  As much as any step-parent would wish for a strong and mutually respectful relationship with their spouse's children, it's not always possible.

Consider your relationship with your stepkids to be a constant "work in progress" - you'll have your good days, you'll have your bad days, and so long as you show those children that you care about them and want what's best for them, it WILL work out in the end.

Put Yourself In Their Shoes

This was the hardest part for me, simply because I had no frame of reference to work off of - I didn't know what my stepchildren might be feeling or thinking as my husband and I started a family together.  But the important thing is to TRY.  Remember that your spouse's kids are KIDS - some of their reactions might seem unreasonable - even overly-dramatic.  But that's to be expected from children.

Try to understand where they are coming from - Accept the fact that it may be hard for them to welcome a new person into the family when they might really wish that their parents were still together.  It's a hard thing to consider, given that you've now joined the family, but your stepchildren likely remember what it was like to have mom AND dad at home - and they probably miss it.

Don't Take It Personally

I've cried because of my stepkids before - Not in front of them, of course, but hidden away in the bathroom or in my car on the way to work.  I've been really hurt by things they've said or done - I tried SO hard for them to want me in their lives and it was really tough on me emotionally when they didn't feel the same way.

As step-parents, we just can't take it personally.  The minds of children are incredibly complicated places - it is impossible to anticipate every reaction.  You're also probably in a role where they need to respect you.  Remember your own childhood - Authority figures aren't fun for kids.  They don't want to clean their room or go to bed at 8:00pm.  They WILL challenge you.  It WILL suck.  Just don't take it personally.