Why I Didn't Raise A Whiner

Perhaps this will be a controversial post... maybe it won't be.  But as a parent, I think that the behaviors we instill in our kids are some of the most important elements of being a "parent" ... So here we go!

You've all seen those kids... the ones in grocery stores and at parks - the ones that seem to rule their parents through temper tantrums, cry at the drop of a hat, and get whatever they want?  Yeah - those kids.  The whiners.  I can't stand whiners.

First and foremost, I accept that some children have a larger problem at play than just being whiners.  This post isn't directed at those children.  Severe behavior issues as a result of developmental problems, victims of abuse, autistic children, etc - they aren't what this is about.  In fact, I salute the parents of special needs children and am in awe of you.

This post is, really, not even directed at kids.  This is a post ALL about the parents.  I am a firm believer that "whiny" kids are the result of the environment they've been raised in.  I see it everyday with children of friends, kids at my son's school, even my own nieces and nephews.

These children essentially do whatever they want and the entire WORLD hears it when they don't get their way.  They are the kids that cry when they get apple juice instead of orange juice.  The ones that freak out at the store if they can't open their new toy right away.  They are the kids FLIP OUT at the playground when another kid is on their favorite swing... Honestly, in the immortal words of Sweet Brown:

That being said, I get it.  We all raise our kids differently and every child is unique... However, what I do NOT feel is unique are the basic ideas of respect, listening, and following direction.  Given my lack of patience for "whiners," I thought a lot (during pregnancy) about what I could do to make sure that my child didn't become one.  It was, in fact, my nieces and nephews that aided me in creating my "Anti-Whiner Parenting Plan."

My nieces and nephews are beautiful and amazing children... however, they are also spoiled brats.  Sorry if that term bothers you, but this post isn't for those who think life is all sunshine and roses.  My nieces and nephews have been allowed to do whatever they want since the minute they were born.  They talk back and have nasty attitudes, they freak out when discipline is attempted, and they have issues with any authority figure in their life - including their parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and teachers.

I think the key to what I would have done differently with them, and what I DID do differently with my son, was set around three basic ideas:

1. Setting Firm Boundaries
2. Being a Predictable Parent
3. Not Overreacting

Set Firm Boundaries

This has been the key to my parenting philosophy.   My son knows what he is and is not allowed to do.  My husband and I aren't "wishy-washy" about it.  We haven't given him any unreasonable or overly restrictive rules, but the rules that are in place are non-negotiable... and the key here is that he KNOWS they aren't negotiable.

If he decides to break a rule, he knows going into it that there will be consequences.  This helps to limit any overly emotional reactions to punishment - when he has his half hour of iPad time taken away because he refused to eat his vegetables at dinner, it's not a surprise.  He certainly isn't happy about it, but we don't experience melt-downs of cosmic proportions.

Be Predictable

Tying in with the last concept, predictability has been extremely important in my parenting style.  Allowing my son to see that I have a stable and consistent reaction to his bad behavior helps him, in my opinion, with his decision making.  He KNOWS.  This means that when I give him a punishment - like having to sit in his room for ten minutes after he refused to listen about cleaning up his toys - he KNOWS the drill.

I simply refuse to let him get away with bad behavior, or "play it easy" on him every now and again.  The simple fact is that by being consistent, he doesn't usually act out in ways that require punishment.  He's a REALLY good kid.  Predictability allows us both to go through our days with the knowledge that if a line is crossed, he will need to "face the music," and we both know what will happen.

Don't Overreact

I cannot tell you how important I feel it is to limit our reactions as parents.  It's SO easy to just SCREAM sometimes - I know I've wanted to (badly) in the past.  But when I see those whiny kids at the store and that parent in their face yelling at them to shut up?  Pinching them to get them to stop?  No.  That's not cool.  I don't think that yelling or hitting a child will help ANYTHING.  In fact, I'm a firm believer that it will only make things worse.

We need to have a firm set of rules for our kids and they need to know to follow them - but the reality is that they're kids and they WILL go against the rules at times.  It's normal.  So when it does happen, we need to have a rational and calm reaction that allows us to discipline our children, while also maintaining their trust and respect in us.  Don't overreact and go off like a bomb - walk them through what's happening, why they are in trouble, and be clear about the consequences.

Judge Not

At the end of day, as I said before, all of us are different.  Our kids are different and their reactions in certain situations can be unpredictable no matter patient or consistent we are.  What's important is instilling the values of respect and "right vs. wrong" in them from a young age.  We'll all go about that in various ways, some that might work for a lot of people, others that won't.  It's all about the effort at working toward patient parenting that I feel is the most important...  Because, let's be honest - No one likes a whiner.

The Thankless Job

I met a wonderful nurse during my time working for a hospice several years ago - She was battling Stage 2 Breast Cancer but still managed to come into work everyday and help those suffering from terminal illnesses - an inspiring woman!

She and I would talk about our families - like any coworkers do - and we realized that, despite a 20+ year age gap and extremely different backgrounds, we did have one very key thing in common.  We married men who already had children.

Yes, I'm a stepmother.  I don't like to discuss my stepkids on this blog, both out of respect for them and because my years as a step-parent have been a huge series of ups and downs.  As my wonderful coworker said very simply, being a step-parent is, at times, a thankless job.

If you don't already have kids, stepping into a relationship with a man who does can be extremely scary.  I didn't really know what I was getting myself into and those first years were a revolving door of me doing everything I possibly could to get my stepkids to "like" me.  It didn't work.

My relationship with my stepson has always been hard - he's extremely close to his mother and I was a very much "unwanted" addition to the family.  Even after almost 10 years, I don't think he's overly excited to see me when he comes over.   My stepdaughter and I are much closer, but as she's growing into a young lady, she's building that special bond with her mother that has added a strange dynamic to how she responds to time with me.  Don't get me wrong - my stepkids are GOOD kids and I care about them a great deal.  It's not all bad, it's not all stress.  But it's definitely difficult.

As my stepkids enter their teenage years, I've taken a different approach of simply being there when they need me, not forcing on them anything that they either don't want or aren't happy with.  This has helped our relationships tremendously, but it's still, at times, an awkward thing.  Especially when it comes time to clean up the house or eat vegetables.

You see, my parents are still married - I never had a stepmom.  I don't know what it's like to be in the home of your dad while he's married and raising children with another woman.  I don't know what it's like to be told that dad is having another baby - but not with mom, with someone else.  I don't know what it's like to be shuffled from house to house, never really being able to settle in anywhere because I pretty much live to two different places.

I've spoken to MANY women in my same situation over the years and I've come to the conclusion that's there is really NO easy way to handle being the "stepmom."  At times, things are going to be great.  Other times?  Not so much.   So what can we do keep our sanity and make our stepchildren more comfortable?

Don't Expect Miracles

If you have the expectation that you're going to immediately develop the world's strongest bond with your stepkids, you're going to be disappointed.  As much as any step-parent would wish for a strong and mutually respectful relationship with their spouse's children, it's not always possible.

Consider your relationship with your stepkids to be a constant "work in progress" - you'll have your good days, you'll have your bad days, and so long as you show those children that you care about them and want what's best for them, it WILL work out in the end.

Put Yourself In Their Shoes

This was the hardest part for me, simply because I had no frame of reference to work off of - I didn't know what my stepchildren might be feeling or thinking as my husband and I started a family together.  But the important thing is to TRY.  Remember that your spouse's kids are KIDS - some of their reactions might seem unreasonable - even overly-dramatic.  But that's to be expected from children.

Try to understand where they are coming from - Accept the fact that it may be hard for them to welcome a new person into the family when they might really wish that their parents were still together.  It's a hard thing to consider, given that you've now joined the family, but your stepchildren likely remember what it was like to have mom AND dad at home - and they probably miss it.

Don't Take It Personally

I've cried because of my stepkids before - Not in front of them, of course, but hidden away in the bathroom or in my car on the way to work.  I've been really hurt by things they've said or done - I tried SO hard for them to want me in their lives and it was really tough on me emotionally when they didn't feel the same way.

As step-parents, we just can't take it personally.  The minds of children are incredibly complicated places - it is impossible to anticipate every reaction.  You're also probably in a role where they need to respect you.  Remember your own childhood - Authority figures aren't fun for kids.  They don't want to clean their room or go to bed at 8:00pm.  They WILL challenge you.  It WILL suck.  Just don't take it personally.

Back into the game - Returning to work after baby

Yesterday I attended a local networking event for small businesses and met an interesting woman who had labeled herself a "Working Mom Support Coach."  Essentially, she provides guidance for women who can't handle the readjustment back into the workforce following the birth of their children.   She had zeroed in on me as the "token pregnant lady" at the event and spoke to me about how women needed extra support in learning how to achieve a new life balance.

As a working mom, I thought this was an interesting concept - How hard is the readjustment when we go back to work?  I don't think that I really focused on the "difficulty" last time - going back to work was just my reality.  However, when you consider the hormonal changes in our postpartum bodies, the guilt of leaving our child with a daycare provider or family member, trying to find a place to pump at the office, etc... It can be a really tough time for us.

So how can we "get back into the game?"

I'm extremely proud of my career - while I'd love to be a Stay-At-Home-Mom, it's not in the cards for my family, and my reality is that I'm going back to work following the birth of my daughter... and yes, it'll be hard on me physically and emotionally - So how can I prepare and make this transition easier?

Stay Focused: It's easy to get overwhelmed by the idea of leaving a small baby at home and heading to the office for eight hours while someone else takes care of your child - parental guilt is common, especially when you're first making the transition following your maternity leave.  What I've found works to help you find your "new balance" is to stay focused on what you're doing - don't focus on what you're NOT doing.

I don't know any working moms that wouldn't rather spend more time with their children - but if you focus solely on what you're missing out on at home, you'll never be able to readjust to work-life.  When you're at work, be AT WORK.  When you're at home, be AT HOME.  Be as amazing at your job as you were before, stay in touch with your child's care provider during breaks and lunch, and leave the deadlines and budgets and benchmarks at the office when you leave for the day.  Don't try to carry the load of mom and employee 24/7.

Take Care of You: Often times, whether you're a working mom or a stay-at-home-mom, we mothers tend to focus on everyone else but ourselves.  The last person to get the care and attention they deserve is US.  Maybe it's just our maternal nature... Or, for working moms, that desire to "make up" for what we miss while we're at work.  Frankly, that's not fair.

Postpartum, our bodies are a roller coaster.   Hormones are going nuts, many of us have extra weight that makes us feel unattractive, and we're healing from a pretty major physical stress - giving birth to a child is no joke!  For weeks, sometimes months, our bodies just don't feel "like us" and it's not right to forget that we have our own needs.  So what do you do?

Take a bubble bath.  Eat healthy.  Get your partner's help with the baby night so that you can get some sleep.  Get your hair done.  Paint your nails.  DON'T FORGET THAT YOU'RE IMPORTANT TOO.

Don't Compare: One of my biggest pet-peeves is when mothers, or just women in general, compare themselves to each other.  As the mother of a kindergartener, I'm constantly feeling the pull of comparing myself to the moms that can drop their kids off and pick their kids up from school everyday - I only get to do that once a week because of my schedule, and I've created this false idea that those moms must think I'm a horrible parent because they see my husband more than they see me.

The reality is that putting the stress of comparison on ourselves only makes us unhappy.  Yes, there are times when I wish I'd pushed harder to be the stay-at-home parent in my marriage, but the honest truth is that I'm the working-parent for a reason.  I value my time at the office and I want to be out there growing as a professional - and there's nothing wrong with that.  I LOVE my job.  My husband is such an amazing man for letting me chase my dreams and I'm incredibly luckily that he was willing to leave his career to raise our kids.

Bottom Line?

Working parents are common, so don't hate yourself for leaving your baby to get back to work.  It's important that we set a good example of our kids, whether we stay at home with them or if we go back to the office.  If you spend your life focused on guilt and everything that you aren't doing, it'll be hard to set that great example because you'll be miserable.  No, you might not get a "home cooked" dinner on the table every night and yes, you'll miss the occasional milestone - and it will suck.  But if we lived our lives based on what we didn't do, we'd never accomplish anything.  Just love yourself and love your kids.  It's the best any of us can do.