Why I Didn't Raise A Whiner

Perhaps this will be a controversial post... maybe it won't be.  But as a parent, I think that the behaviors we instill in our kids are some of the most important elements of being a "parent" ... So here we go!

You've all seen those kids... the ones in grocery stores and at parks - the ones that seem to rule their parents through temper tantrums, cry at the drop of a hat, and get whatever they want?  Yeah - those kids.  The whiners.  I can't stand whiners.

First and foremost, I accept that some children have a larger problem at play than just being whiners.  This post isn't directed at those children.  Severe behavior issues as a result of developmental problems, victims of abuse, autistic children, etc - they aren't what this is about.  In fact, I salute the parents of special needs children and am in awe of you.

This post is, really, not even directed at kids.  This is a post ALL about the parents.  I am a firm believer that "whiny" kids are the result of the environment they've been raised in.  I see it everyday with children of friends, kids at my son's school, even my own nieces and nephews.

These children essentially do whatever they want and the entire WORLD hears it when they don't get their way.  They are the kids that cry when they get apple juice instead of orange juice.  The ones that freak out at the store if they can't open their new toy right away.  They are the kids FLIP OUT at the playground when another kid is on their favorite swing... Honestly, in the immortal words of Sweet Brown:

That being said, I get it.  We all raise our kids differently and every child is unique... However, what I do NOT feel is unique are the basic ideas of respect, listening, and following direction.  Given my lack of patience for "whiners," I thought a lot (during pregnancy) about what I could do to make sure that my child didn't become one.  It was, in fact, my nieces and nephews that aided me in creating my "Anti-Whiner Parenting Plan."

My nieces and nephews are beautiful and amazing children... however, they are also spoiled brats.  Sorry if that term bothers you, but this post isn't for those who think life is all sunshine and roses.  My nieces and nephews have been allowed to do whatever they want since the minute they were born.  They talk back and have nasty attitudes, they freak out when discipline is attempted, and they have issues with any authority figure in their life - including their parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and teachers.

I think the key to what I would have done differently with them, and what I DID do differently with my son, was set around three basic ideas:

1. Setting Firm Boundaries
2. Being a Predictable Parent
3. Not Overreacting

Set Firm Boundaries

This has been the key to my parenting philosophy.   My son knows what he is and is not allowed to do.  My husband and I aren't "wishy-washy" about it.  We haven't given him any unreasonable or overly restrictive rules, but the rules that are in place are non-negotiable... and the key here is that he KNOWS they aren't negotiable.

If he decides to break a rule, he knows going into it that there will be consequences.  This helps to limit any overly emotional reactions to punishment - when he has his half hour of iPad time taken away because he refused to eat his vegetables at dinner, it's not a surprise.  He certainly isn't happy about it, but we don't experience melt-downs of cosmic proportions.

Be Predictable

Tying in with the last concept, predictability has been extremely important in my parenting style.  Allowing my son to see that I have a stable and consistent reaction to his bad behavior helps him, in my opinion, with his decision making.  He KNOWS.  This means that when I give him a punishment - like having to sit in his room for ten minutes after he refused to listen about cleaning up his toys - he KNOWS the drill.

I simply refuse to let him get away with bad behavior, or "play it easy" on him every now and again.  The simple fact is that by being consistent, he doesn't usually act out in ways that require punishment.  He's a REALLY good kid.  Predictability allows us both to go through our days with the knowledge that if a line is crossed, he will need to "face the music," and we both know what will happen.

Don't Overreact

I cannot tell you how important I feel it is to limit our reactions as parents.  It's SO easy to just SCREAM sometimes - I know I've wanted to (badly) in the past.  But when I see those whiny kids at the store and that parent in their face yelling at them to shut up?  Pinching them to get them to stop?  No.  That's not cool.  I don't think that yelling or hitting a child will help ANYTHING.  In fact, I'm a firm believer that it will only make things worse.

We need to have a firm set of rules for our kids and they need to know to follow them - but the reality is that they're kids and they WILL go against the rules at times.  It's normal.  So when it does happen, we need to have a rational and calm reaction that allows us to discipline our children, while also maintaining their trust and respect in us.  Don't overreact and go off like a bomb - walk them through what's happening, why they are in trouble, and be clear about the consequences.

Judge Not

At the end of day, as I said before, all of us are different.  Our kids are different and their reactions in certain situations can be unpredictable no matter patient or consistent we are.  What's important is instilling the values of respect and "right vs. wrong" in them from a young age.  We'll all go about that in various ways, some that might work for a lot of people, others that won't.  It's all about the effort at working toward patient parenting that I feel is the most important...  Because, let's be honest - No one likes a whiner.

Guide to Natural Fabrics in Cloth Diapers

Like I've said time and time again, cloth diapering is NOT easy for the newbie cloth mom to wrap her head around (or the newbie cloth dad!).  The options are ridiculously varied and it does take a lot of trial and error to find what works for you and your baby.

One of the more confusing elements of cloth diapering are the fabric options - what's best?  What's cheapest?  Can best and cheapest be the same thing?  Are all of the options healthy for your baby's skin?

Because the options are so vast, I wanted to simply start with natural fibers - these are fabrics we're all familiar with to a certain extent, and all have a lot of great functionality when used in cloth diapering.  The most common natural fibers that you'll find available are cotton, bamboo, and hemp.  While others do exist, I like to keep things simple and these three are the staples of natural fibers in cloth diapering.

 

Cotton wins the "affordable" category - and probably will be the easiest to locate as well.  Cotton prefolds and flats are extremely common, come in organic and/or unbleached options, and are super cost effective.  Organic cotton is more expensive than bleached/processed cotton, but you can get still quite a lot of "bang for your buck" even in the organic area.

Cotton is also a very absorbent fabric once you've taken the time to properly prep the material (get the scoop on cloth diaper prep here), and is also very breathable.  "Breathable" is an important factor in cloth diapers because it means that the fabric will help to pull moisture away for baby's skin and lowers the occurrence of diaper rash.

While less readily available than cotton, bamboo is a fabric with a lot of additional benefits in cloth diapering.  Bamboo is a hypoallergenic fabric that is, in most cases, MUCH more absorbent than cotton.  This means that the parents of heavy wetters LOVE bamboo... In fact, I'll go ahead and give this fabric the win in "absorbency" for natural fibers.

This fabric is also antimicrobial and antibacterial.  This means that there is a lower chance of bad odors with bamboo, and that the fabric will help to naturally limit mildew.  Given it's high absorbency, this makes bamboo ideal for keeping moisture away for your baby and limiting diaper rash or skin infections.

Hemp is often considered to the be the champion of "durability" in cloth diapering.  This fabric can last a really long time - It is also easier to find than bamboo and many of the major cloth diaper companies offer hemp inserts and fitteds.

Breathable and absorbent, hemp is also often considered more effective for heavy wetters than cotton.  In addition to that, hemp is antimicrobial, so you'll get the benefit of limited odors with this fabric as well.

A key benefit to hemp is, however, the fact that hemp in nature is not grown in a manner that requires the use of pesticides.  This means that you don't need to worry about any nasty pesticides lingering in the fabric when you purchase (still prep this fabric, though!).


Want more "Cloth Diaper 101?"  Check out these articles from The Cozy Life:

• What Cloth Diaper is right for you?
• The Importance of Cloth Diaper "Prep"
• The Scoop on Baby Wipes
• DIY or Buy?  Cloth diaper detergent

Budget Beauty: e.l.f. Foundation & Powder

I am always out looking for a bargain, but when it comes to makeup, "cheap" - more often than not - usually equals "toxins."  It's an unfair reality that, generally, "safe cosmetics" come with a super high price tag that us moms just can't justify.  I'd rather buy my son a new easel for painting than spend $50 on 3oz. of foundation... Sorry, makeup industry.

e.l.f. brand cosmetics (Eyes Lips Face) is a massively cost effective brand that I discovered about a year ago at my local Target.  Most of their products are $1, $3, or $6 each and they have a pretty wide selection to choose from.  But at that price point, could a "safe cosmetics" junky really expect to see anything worth buying?  Surprisingly, the answer is YES.

e.l.f. Studio High Definition Powder

This HD powder is translucent and is made to "soften" the look of your skin - as with any HD powder, it does create a bit of a "flash back" which whitens the face in photos, but it still works wonders.  I actually own this product, and while I wouldn't wear it out when I know I'll be taking pictures, it's a great "everyday" powder to apply over foundation.

In the safety department, this product is nearly flawless.  The ingredients list is short - Only containing Dimethicone/Vinyl Dimethicone Crosspolymer, Silica, Tin Oxide, Calcium Sodium Borosilicate, and Sodium Dehydroacetate.  I know that looks like a series of words in another language, however, all but one have zero adverse health effects.  The only one that does, Silica, is considered a bulking agent in powders that has a very limited concern relating to inhalation.  Given that, Silica is still not classified as toxic or harmful.

e.l.f. Studio Flawless Finish Foundation with SPF

I'm addicted to foundations - love them.  However, most are of full of nasty stuff.  e.l.f. has this $6 option with relatively limited toxins - in fact, this product has vastly less health and wildlife concerns then just about any other high end OR drugstore brand.

This is a semi-matte foundation with a medium coverage (to mask those lovely spots and dark circles that us moms can't get rid of).  It is a liquid formula and can easily be applied with a brush or sponge applicator.

The biggest concern with this product is the SPF it contains - many women see "sunscreen" and automatically think that the product is going to be much better for them... Not necessarily true.  While we definitely need to protect our skin from sun exposure, the SPF found in cosmetics isn't always a good thing.  This foundation has two active ingredients - Octyl Salicylate 2% and Titanium Dioxide 5.5%.  Neither are considered HIGH risk, but Octyl Salicylate is a known allergen and is potentially harmful to the environment. 

The only other concern with this foundation is the ingredient Phenoxyethanol - this is another known allergen / eye irritant, and is limited in products used on the lips.  Still, it is classified as a "low" priority ingredient overall, which is a good thing.

Safe or Not?

These are both products I would buy and use (and have in the past).  There's no reason to break the bank on makeup when these types of healthy options are available at close to no cost.

Want to know more about beauty products and their impact on your health?  Check this out from The Cozy Life.

Having A Daughter... It's Complicated

I never could have imagined having my own daughter until I found out I was pregnant with her.  I can't tell you how many times I told people that I "was never meant to have a daughter."  But why is that?  Why would my mind have put a mental block around the idea of raising a daughter?

I suppose the easiest thing to factor is my relationship with my own mother.  I love her dearly and she's incredibly important in my life.  She's one of my biggest influences.  With that said, I'm solidly in the "Daddy's Girl" category - my dad and I talk almost everyday, despite the fact that I'm in California and they're in Florida.  We can talk for hours, and we talk about anything - politics, groceries, television shows... we don't even agree on that stuff, but we have a natural "rhythm" with each other that makes our communication flow without any effort.

With mom, it's different.  It always has been.

She and I can talk for a few minutes at time, but then the phone swiftly gets handed back to dad.  We make sure that the other is doing okay, that we're happy... and that's about it.  Mom and I just never really developed that rapport that I hear my friends talk about with their moms.

So what happened?

There's a book called The 5 Love Languages that I absolutely adore.  This book opened my eyes to root of what might have limited the development of a close relationship with my mom (and no, this isn't a sponsored post!).  If you aren't familiar with it, the basic idea of this book is that people give and receive love in five very basic ways - Acts of Service, Gifts, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, and Quality Time.

I fall into the "Acts of Service" and "Gifts" categories... Oddly enough, so does my father.  This means that my dad and I value doing things for, and giving things to, other people.  It's also the way that we most readily accept affection from others.  My mother? She could care less about about presents or me cleaning the kitchen for her when I visit.

Mom is definitely a "Quality Time" and "Physical Touch" kind of lady.  My mother wants her daughters, even now that we're well into adulthood, to sit on her lap, give her kisses on the cheek, and walk with her while she holds our hands... To me, that stuff is annoying.  I don't like hugs - I'm not a touchy person.  I also don't like having my hand held by anyone other than my husband and my kid.  Sorry, mom.

Building a Mother/Daughter Relationship

Now that I'm a mother, it really bothers me that I don't have a well developed relationship with my own mom... I suppose my dad stepped in and filled both roles for me a lot of the time.  As I think about that, and what that means, it makes me sad.

It also means that I want to start strong in my relationship with my own daughter.  Yes, I know that she might end up closer to my husband - I'm okay with that - But I also want her to feel like she can talk with me about her problems, come to me with her successes and worries... I want with her what I have with my dad.

But how can I do that?  What can I do that won't force closeness - just encourage it?  I think it boils down to a few very simple things.

 

Learn how she gives and receives love/affection

While my mother is an amazing mom, we just never developed a meaningful way to communicate.   As my daughter grows into her own person, I need to accept that she, as with me and my mom, likely won't be a carbon-copy of me.  I need to learn how SHE receives and gives affection so that I can provide for her the type of meaningful support she'll need as she navigates through life.

Respect our differences and embrace them

Another place where I think my mother and I went wrong is that we never learned to appreciate the differences between us.  We've accepted that we're very different people and simply avoid the issues that separate us.  With my daughter, I want to embrace our differences and celebrate them.  I probably could learn a great deal from my mother and her approach at life... and I luckily still have the time to bridge that gap.  With my daughter, I don't want to play "catch up" when she's older - I want to learn from her when she's two, ten, twenty, even forty years-old.

What's In Your Baby Shampoo?

As you've probably figured out, two of my passions are safe cosmetics and being an "Eco-Mom" - today I want to combine those ideas!  Over the past few weeks I've talked about nail polish, hair care... even makeup remover - But what about the hygiene products that we use on our children?  There is, unfortunately, just as much of an opportunity for nasty chemicals to sneak their way into our toddler and infant products as they do our own hair and skin care.  One product in particular has always bothered me - Baby Shampoo.

Looking at the ingredient labels on shampoos - baby or otherwise - is generally a test on your language skills.  Chemical compounds that are virtually unpronounceable are in almost every single shampoo product out there.  So how can you figure out which shampoo is best for your baby?

Generally speaking, the baby shampoo market is "safer" than adult shampoos - a lot of the SUPER nasty stuff doesn't get included in products designed for infants... typically.  But even some of the most popular baby brands still include ingredients that are really unhealthy for a growing baby.

First, we'll look at Aveeno Baby Wash and Shampoo.  This formula is advertised as tear-free, gentle, and moisturizing.  In the US, 12fl oz. go for around $9.00, depending on the retailer.  Aveeno is also a really popular brand for baby lotions, creams, oils - you name it.


This is NOT, however, a product I would use with my baby.  Why?

Gastrointestinal and liver toxicity?  Immune and allergenic effects?  Respiratory toxicant?  Environmental toxins?  Yikes!  To be fair, these ingredients are in very limited quantities - but they're still there.  Given that this is such a popular brand and SO easy to find, are there any better alternatives?

Next we'll look at Babyganics Night Time Shampoo + Body Wash.  Just by looking at it, this one seems more hopeful - "ganics" as in  "ORganics!"  Perfect!  This formula has no parabens, sulfates, phthalates, mineral oil, petrolatum, gluten, artificial fragrances or dyes - wonderful!  This one costs around $12.00 for 18fl oz. here in the US, so it's even a bit more cost effective than the Aveeno option.

But... it's not all perfection.  Here's why:

Nervous system toxicity is NOT something I want in my baby's shampoo. On top of that, this product also contains fragrances (though non-artificial), just like Aveeno.  So while this brand is certainly an improvement, it's not quite where I'd like it to be.

By now, you're probably thinking that it's time to open up Pinterest and look into DIY baby shampoo, huh?  While that's a wonderful idea - and one I'll cover in another blog post - there is one store bought baby shampoo that combines convenience in availability with a lack of harmful ingredients.

Burt's Bees Baby Bee Shampoo & Wash, Fragrance Free - this is as close to "safe" as you're going to get at any major retailers.  For $9.00, you can get a 12fl oz. bottle and this brand has become so popular that even Target and WalMart stock almost their entire catalog in their stores.

This is a tear-free and plant-based formula made with aloe, soy proteins, and oat flour.  It does contain sodium benzoate, which has has been deemed safe for use but is a restricted ingredient in large quantities when used with cosmetics... So it's not perfect as a product, but it's pretty close.

The bottom line as a parent is simply to educate yourself - know what chemicals are in your baby's shampoos, detergents, wipes, etc.  This will help you in making the best purchasing decisions for your family.

Want more on safe products for baby?  Check this out!